A short post today as it’s all I have in me.
The title says it, mostly. Not completely.
Life feels somewhat precarious, and has for a while. Recently I had a very bad experience at work. Once the dust had cleared, among other things, it made me realise I have to start standing up for myself and being clear about my needs. For someone with anxiety issues, limited emotional vocabulary and absolutely zero confidence in her negotiating capabilities, this is a big deal. It’s taking a lot out of me.
For the first time in my life, over the past few weeks, I’ve started losing speech. Not be able to find the right words, or having to make several attempts, isn’t new for me – but not being able to get any words out at all, is. It’s an anxiety thing: I think it’s what Tony Attwood calls “selective mutism”. It’s very frightening. Objectively, it’s not happening often; but it’s enough now and in certain very public contexts that I need to have workarounds.
I’m currently balancing various parallel processes to protect my wellbeing, advocate for myself and stabilise my position. All of them involve communication, some with strangers (although, thankfully, I’ve managed to kick everything off without using a telephone. Small mercies). Being pretty awful at initiating contacts, executive function, planning and multi-tasking, and with the additional fear of losing my words, this is a significant challenge.
While the weather is good, running is a great way to escape from all that. I’m needing that a lot lately.
In the meantime, words are expensive. Meaningful words, doubly so. I’d dearly love to be posting something every week, but I’m not sure I’ll have it in me; and if I do it probably won’t be of the standard I’d like. So this is an apology for fewer (or bad quality) words, but also an assurance that this won’t go on forever. Hopefully I’ll be back with you soon!