On the whole, understanding that I am autistic has been a very positive change. A diagnosis has helped me to understand my profile of strengths and weaknesses, take better care of myself, and start to improve in skills relevant to my job. But the one huge negative aspect has been the fear.
Anxiety for autistic people is real. The book “Anxiety and Autism” by Nick Dubin goes into a great deal of detail about this issue. Tony Attwood also puts it well in his “Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome”. This fear of real outcomes is not the same as an anxiety disorder, and in my experience responded badly to CBT techniques. The central premise, that facing an anxious situation provides positive reinforcement each time the “worst case scenario” is not realised, is somewhat counterproductive when that feared scenario is perhaps the most probable outcome!
Most of the unavoidable anxiety in my life at the moment is associated with the workplace. Not my job – I am confident in my ability to perform in that – but the workplace environment. After my diagnosis of Asperger syndrome it dawned on me gradually that the social issues I struggle with form a huge part of working within a large organisation. The ability to do my job, in itself, is not enough. Problems that are largely avoidable in my personal life rear their ugly heads over and over again at meetings, workshops, coffees and conferences. There is a fundamental disconnect between who I am – my intentions, motivation and abilities – and how I am perceived. The potential impacts, and my lack of influence over those outcomes, can be terrifying.
Given my experiences over the past year, I realise now that this fear will probably never go away. There is nothing I can do to escape it, and perhaps I should not try. What I can do is try to reduce the probability of the outcomes I most fear, and look to mitigate the impact anxiety has on my working life. Whilst medication, for me, is an important part of this process, managing expectations and modifying my work environment are equally crucial.
The single most important thing that brings me in to work on those terrible mornings where I am so afraid I can barely speak is the relationship I have with my line manager. Having disclosed my diagnosis early on, I was offered nothing but support, and an open door to discuss any issues as and when they arose. Being able to discuss and agree different coping mechanisms reduced the pressure on me to hide my fear. Once the diagnosis was official we arranged some training for close colleagues, which helped reduce the prevalence of terror at being constantly mis-perceived.
From an autistic perspective, I realise that highlighting a relationship as the most important factor may not be excessively helpful! The line manager relationship can be difficult to build, as it is so dependent on the individual. I was very lucky that my own manager was proactive early on in forming that relationship, so that by the time I realised the depth of my problems, the support was already available. If you can’t develop that sort of trust with your manager, it might be worth looking to build a relationship with another authority figure close to you in the organisation. If your organisation has a mentoring scheme, this can also be helpful as an additional line of support.
Alongside that relationship, taking control of the “little things” is something I’ve found can make a big difference (clichéd but true). Some things to think about might include:
- Have an “escape plan” for any specific situations that make you anxious. This can be as simple as a script to get out of a meeting if you start to feel panicked. If it’s agreed in advance, you don’t need to worry about whether it’s appropriate to leave or what the consequences will be if you use it.
- If there’s a possibility you might lose words or be unable to explain your needs when anxious, it’s worth having a plan to communicate this. This could be a simple card or flag to warn colleagues you’re struggling, or you could prepare more elaborate scripts / indicators in advance.
- Scripted email templates can help if you have trouble asking for support. Talk to trusted colleagues in advance about what you might need in a certain situation and what they can do, so that they know how to react to your email script. Remember to thank them for being there, and again when you are feeling better after any incident where they’ve helped according to the script or plan.
- Let your manager know as soon as possible if anxiety becomes overwhelming or starts having wider impacts. Managing expectations is important, and it reduces the pressure you feel to hide what’s going on. And who knows, they may even be able to help!
I’d be intrigued to hear from anxious autistics doing paid or voluntary work in other organisations. How do you manage your anxiety when working with other people? Is there anything else you’ve found that can help?